Happy Mother’s day and fuck autism. I recently had a friend who said that she never complains about her situation and just puts her head down and deals with it. I would give anything to have that kind of strength, but I don’t have it. I’m weak and angry and depressed and hopeless and everything else that you can throw in. I’m beyond my limits in every way. I have no reserves to draw from. I have nothing. I’m holding it together by sheer will… and that’s running out.
Since the fireman was hospitalized last year, things began to get so much better. And then a few months ago, things started getting bad again. Today, we are back where we started. This person that my child has become is no longer the child that I know. He’s selfish and mean and says horrible things to me and to Bruno. He hurts us repeatedly and thinks nothing of it. He is not my baby, the compassionate child that I love. I don’t know who this child is, but he scares me and I hate what it’s doing to our family. We are a total wreck.
People don’t say these things. It’s not ok to say that you don’t like your child. But right now, I don’t like my child. He can look me in the eye and spit on me. And dare me to do something about it. I don’t understand. We’ve done everything to give him a good life. He’s not spoiled. We haven’t gone over board. But he goes to a good school, has clothes and roof over his head. We work hard to provide for him. We give him gobs and gobs of love. We never stop telling him how much we love him, how wonderful he is, how thankful we are that he’s in our world. Why the hell does he hate us so much, then?
Have you any idea what it feels like to look at your baby and see a stranger looking back at you? My heart is breaking in million pieces. What did we do to deserve this? What on earth did we do? I don’t like to feel sorry for myself, but honest to god. When will this end?
6 comments
lark says:
May 18, 2012
Think you’re brave to say this.
There’s no deserve in shit happening.
Be sorry for yourselve. Sometimes you have to.
Hang in. Since there’s no end, as far as i can understand.
verystrangebird says:
May 20, 2012
Thank you. I feel deeply ashamed to feel this way and terrified to say it outloud.
Kara says:
May 18, 2012
Sometimes it hard to say the shit that others wish they cpuld pretend they didnt think. Its even harder to actually do what you are doing and still say the hard shit. If only I could give you the answers, if only, other than to just not pretend, yes take breathers, forget even sometimes, act like theres hope sometimes, or just fucking scream, but dont abandon anything in you that comes up, its all human whatever you do, its ok dear.
verystrangebird says:
May 20, 2012
You are kind. Thank you!
Cate says:
May 20, 2012
I hate autism too, Gina. I hate PANDAS (Lyme, etc.) too. I want my sick son to be healthy and well and normal. I’ve been trying hard to recover him for a decade. Enough is enough already. He doesn’t have the same kind of autism that Karla and others have. There are different kinds, with different causes.
verystrangebird says:
May 20, 2012
I hear you Cate. We compare ourselves and our stories to everyone else, desperate for glimpses of hope or answers, when the reality is, we’re living on our own timeline with outcomes that no one can predict. There is no magic telescope to the future, nothing to assure us that it’s going to be ok. I guess that this is where hope and faith come in.