I was in a really dark and bleak place when I wrote the last post. It was a bad day in a series of increasingly worse bad days and I was feeling like there was no way out and no path to a better place… a higher ground. Monday was difficult. I went to work and could barely contain my heartache. I was having a really hard time escaping, even at work where I go to escape. On the way home, I was driving with dread, wondering what I was going to find when I picked up the fireman. I was so hopeless that I did something that I very rarely do: I had a talk with the big one upstairs.
Here’s the thing. I’m a mixture of a lot of spiritual beliefs but none of them include any type of judeo christian foundations. I believe in the Universe and the power of my own energy and of collective energy. I believe that we manifest our own realities. And I try to believe that I control my own destiny. No one but me. No higher power, just me. The problem with this is that, in the darkest hours, who do you turn to when you aren’t strong enough to hold yourself up? At my very lowest of low, I saw no problem asking for help. And, if this higher power that I was calling upon did not exist, then what difference did it make? I was, at the very least, a crazy person talking to myself while driving.
So, my conversation went something like this. ”Um… god? Yeah, you probably didn’t expect to be hearing from me today. The whole, I don’t believe and all. Well, here’s the deal. We’re in a world of hell and I need a small favor. A miracle, actually. We need to make it through the night without hurting ourselves or each other. Just help us get through this night. We need a break. We need hope.”
Let me explain that we don’t hurt each other, but there are times when things are so bad that we lose our tempers and say things that we wish we could take back. We all do it. The fireman doesn’t seem so remorseful for it, but it tears me up inside when I say something out of anger that was hurtful and wrong. I was asking for the miracle of patience.
When I got home that night, I had a strange calm within. I felt light and I picked up the fireman in my arms and held him for a very long time. And, he let me. That night we had a leisurely evening. Bruno and I prepared dinner together. The 3 of us watched recorded episode of AFV. We read a book before bedtime and the fireman went down without incident. It was so lovely and peaceful that I wanted to cry. You could feel the calm in the air. It was a miracle.