When we last heard from our fearless hero, she was running a business, going to school, living the blissful married life and basking in the glow of motherhood. I can’t recall exactly the day that this beautiful picture began to show cracks, or if they were always there, just too small to acknowledge. All I do know is that the picture that I had pinned everything on, the hope for our domestic nirvana, was shattered and now we’re picking up the broken pieces and trying to patch together a new masterpiece for our future. Except this picture is more deconstruction and less fine artistry. A collage that continues to reshape with every day.
I think that I knew that our son was autistic long before I ever allowed myself to actively confess the thought, even at night when laying in bed- those times when there is nothing in the world that can stop your darkest fears from bubbling to the surface. I dismissed the idea because he didn’t fit the typical mold that I understood autism to be. He looked me in the eyes. His speech developed normally, even atypically advanced if we were going to be honest. He was very emotionally connected and expressive. His love knew no bounds and he never hesitated to show affection. These traits surely prevented him from being autistic, so I could just relax and wait for the terrible twos to pass. For the the terrible threes to pass. For the f*cking fours to pass…. Oh god.
Years ago I had a blog that chronicled the year it took for us to become pregnant and then the subsequent 9 months of pregnancy. It showed all of my hopes and fears, my unending search for the silver lining and the punchline (because my life often feels like a series of tasteless jokes and one-liners). Then life got in the way and I no longer had time to write because I was too busy doing. My life has not slowed down any, yet I know that I need to in order to care for myself and my family in the best way possible. The option to go through life with my head in the clouds has been taken off the table and now I have to tackle life head-on. This blog will follow that journey.