If you follow this site regularly, then you’ve most certainly noticed the trend in my posts… leaning away from tarot and towards the hysterical mania that seems to be my life right now. While I love tarot reading so much, I made the 52 Readings in 52 Weeks commitment at a time when my life was relatively calm and I had the energy to give to others. We were at a place with the fireman where there was a modicum of peace and I was able to take some of the focus and redirect it back on myself. Unfortunately, the tide has turned and we are back at place where the swells are peaking and there is only energy in our world for survival. We live in a place where just holding on and keeping our heads above water takes all of our energy. And anything that we have left over goes into loving and caring for each other.
My relationship with tarot, and the way that my intuition interacts with the cards, requires me to “tap” into the energies of other’s and absorb their emotions. It’s very very taxing and can leave me incredibly sad and drained when I’m done. For many years of my life I cut myself off from even close relationships, built walls so that I had acquaintances but not much more, because the emotions that I feel are so infinitely magnified. When you feel pain, it strikes me to my core. When you feel joy, I’m elated and floating in the clouds. It’s only been in the past 5 years or so that I’ve begun to allow this into my life more, and over the past few years I’ve started to learn how to make these sensitive connections work for me. All of this, as you can imagine, requires me to have energy to spare.
To engage in tarot requires a well from which to draw and I must be in a solid state of mind so that I can reground myself after a reading.
Right now, my well is dry and my frame of mind is frazzled, at best. I need everything that I have to remain sane, to care for my child and to care for myself and my partner. Tonight, we sit side-by-side on the couch, trying to regroup from the weekend of chaos that is, thankfully, now wrapping up. We are exhausted from living with an obsessive compulsive 5-year old. We are exhausted from autistic tantrums. We are exhausted from calming each other, from trying desperately to remain calm, from occasionally loosing our shit, from trying to maintain some type of normalcy in an otherwise abnormal situation. We are utterly and completely exhausted.
I’m going to go on a tarot hiatus. I have nothing to give to others right now, and the readings would not be what you deserve. I’m going to go inward and work through this challenging time in our lives through my writing. I will resume the readings when my energy returns, but for now, I’ll be exploring all of the emotions and documenting the moments of our autistic life. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from and support me in this journey.