I was in a really dark and bleak place when I wrote the last post. It was a bad day in a series of increasingly worse bad days and I was feeling like there was no way out and no path to a better place… a higher ground. Monday was difficult. I went to work...
Happy Mother’s day and fuck autism. I recently had a friend who said that she never complains about her situation and just puts her head down and deals with it. I would give anything to have that kind of strength, but I don’t have it. I’m weak and angry and depressed and hopeless and everything...
I write to let go. I write to engage. I write to witness. I write to be heard. I write to create. I write to recreate. I write to rewrite. I write to remember. I write to forget. I write to feel. I write to stop feeling. I write to get lost. I write to...
I’m breaking the binds that hold me in this “stuck” position that I’ve been in the for the past few months. Like waking up out of a fog, I’m moving forward, being pulled towards our family goals and finally seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. Earlier this week we had our first...
Where do I start? The week began with the loss of a key employee on my team and ended with a partial restructuring of our business and our roles. And somewhere in the middle was an appointment with the fireman’s psychiatrist that netted me a whole lot of nothing and a CT scan on my...
I kind of feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I’ve really been working on faking a great attitude until one finds its way into my person and have been relying on zaniness to stay sane. But the rediculousness of crap that continues to rain down on me is… I guess comical? So maybe the...
Again, with the guilt. If there is anything that is consistent in this autism experience, it is that guilt is a constant and a given. This morning, I awoke to the screaming (that’s becoming a constant, as well). My feet hadn’t even met the floor before the chaos began. I walked into the living room...
It’s Saturday, around 4 pm, and I’m laying in bed, swelling with anger and shrinking with guilt, a toxic emotional cocktail that I drown myself in often. ”You don’t need that guilt,” says my therapist. ”Let it go. You don’t need it.” So easy to say. So impossible to do. We tried to enjoy the...
Me: (in the shower) The fireman: Momma! I fell in the toilet! Me: Bruno!!!! Bruno: What?!? Me: The fireman fell in the toilet! The fireman: This is awkward. ___________________________________ Thanks For Making Me Laugh: T-Rex Trying by Hugh Murphy Text From Dog One Tiny Hand The Dogacle
I’ve been soooo grouchy lately and have decided that what I need is a serious attitude adjustment. I even invented a new app (in my head) that is going to make me millions (when someone actually makes it) called iStab. It’s sort of like the “poke” feature on facebook (now defunct?)… It’s virtual, so it...
Tonight I dined with an old friend who I haven’t seen in a while. We’ve gone through a difficult time, but I think that we’re coming out the other end intact and that makes me happy. A couple of days ago, I came home from work to find the most beautiful bouquet of flowers on...
On the autism roller coaster, I’ve hit a deep low. Last night Bruno and I had a painful talk about the reality of our situation. The reality of what, exactly, we are living with. And what we are living without. It was heartwrenching. So painful that at moments I wanted to scream for him to...
